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Over-Apologizing: Ways to Stop the Cycle
Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my personal and work life. It irritates my loved ones and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.
Speaking in Public and Inquiring
This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or posing queries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.
Self-Acceptance
I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that therapy might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.
Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too much, and you place a strain on others.
Exploring the Causes
A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become harmful in later years.
In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.
Benefits of Counseling
When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to explore and embrace who you are.
Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.
Useful Strategies
Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and anxiety.
Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.
This process will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.
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